My baby Clara, my newly adopted dog was recently given away. More precisely yesterday. Until today, my heart aches like badly. I feel bad, because I couldn't give her a special place for her to stay and grow healthily. My family has always been such a mess. In terms of fighting, and everything, it's just not right. Sometimes I wish I can grow out of the prison and live far away which is why I am excited to go. I love them but sometimes, they just don't know when to stop. I believe they are concerned but honestly? You really go too far. I wish you would just give me a chance to believe in myself and be responsible for myself rather than you always nagging, always pestering, always making choices for me.
Yesterday wasn't the most pleasant day of my life. I experienced numerous breakdowns and I refuse to speak to your face, speak to you, speak to anyone of you.
It sickens me.
As much as you people might think that my face sickens you but your face is so revolting to look at I barely can't understand why do you have to be so damn frustrating at times. You think you're frustrated? I truly am. I'm not as free as you are. I have other important things to look at. What is family?
I don't know anymore.
It hurts everytime I think about Clara and I feel guilty for not providing enough love and a place for her to stay. At least she's in a better place now. A better home where the new owner will take care of her and I like that better than having her to face my rude bastard of a driver and maids.
Perhaps it was my fault, for being like this. I could have considered the factors but I followed my feelings and went with it.
I'm always good at hiding feelings because that's what we always do don't we? Even when we don't realise it. You come to a point where the problems grows and telling people would make them think that you're an attention seeker or that you are just a bitch with a lot of drama. I don't like telling people my problems at times. Only times when I get really frustrated then I let it out to them. Other than that, I have a space to write so why not. Another thing is I am better at writing my feelings rather than talking them out. Cause half the time I'll be crying and hiccuping and all that nonsense. Part of another reason we don't tell others is usually this reason, we don't like making people worry. Which is true.
We always like to do that.
Always beating around the bush, saying it's fine because that's what the other party wants to hear.
We're, fine. I'm fine. He's fine. We're always finding reasons to explain to people that we're fine. So why can't we come out with the whole truth?
A lot to ponder don't you think?
Your life and my life is different. Stop comparing. Just because I complain does not mean I don't value my life completely. Humans are always never satisfied. We always want more whether we like it or not. It's like fashion. Fashion keeps coming and why? Cause we always want more clothes. And we sell them off to make way for new ones. If you tell me one day you are sick of shopping, that is a lie.
If you tell me one day that you tired of buying and consuming, you are the saddest human on earth. We always keep consuming. You think driving your carr is not consuming money? That alone, is consuming half of your own allowance. But in the end, we always value the things we have. I still do though I complain. I complain because there is dissatisfaction and to rub it off, I complain and write and I get over it completely. I don't take it like a grudge and let it evolve into Shockwave or something. I just let it go.
Now that's the hardest part.
It's like saying goodbye.
And that's something I have to learn, during this one month.
