Titleless because there isn't much for me to say. I am utterly really annoyed at myself. I've been thinking about what's been happening over the past year. And my mother's endurance towards my family. I don't know what to think anymore. 

I don't know what to talk about.

I actually don't know what to say.

I just want to get this over. 

Sleepover shinnanigans

Yesterday I had such a great bonding time with my bestie, Andrea :) We bonded over walking, Chatime, cycling (best shiz ever) and mostly, PS3 baby! I just love how I can be awesome and myself with her. Not that I am putting on a pretense or something but just, when it comes to best friends, you know you can always count on them. I've known her for about 8 years already! It's THAT long and now we're 20. It still feels like we're 13, 15 all over again everytime I'm with her.

I mentioned PS3 bonding and yes, we were playing Assassin's Creed: Revelations. That shit is GOOD. We played until 4.30 am and I swear we could still go on. Of course, her brother joined us and three of us were kicking ass all night HAHA.

And we spent the rest of the night making love.

bazinga!

Hahah! But it was a good bonding! And I am hoping for many more before I leave which is, sigh..soon :(

ta!

Shaved!

I know I've been such a lazy blogger but I honestly don't know what to blog sometimes. But now, I have something to blog so yay me! Yesterday, I had such an amazing time with the girls. Honestly, for the first time in my life, I've tried out the Skrillex shave! :D And I look so, different :O It was a very compulsive decision but I'm really happy with the outcome :D

And of course, Sue Lyn did a drastic change as well but I'll leave that to her to post. Here are some artsy fartsy pictures I took with some weird edits.

Looks like I'm naked but I'm not HAHA.

                   

With the girls :D Oh yes, before the successful outcomes, we both tried some cheap bleach from a weird shop called Magic Boo! And you guessed it! It didn't work! Much to our displeasures. The bleach spoiled my hair instantly.

Today, Sue Lyn went all out and did her hair. I won't reveal much information except she looks SMOKING :)

We both did the bleaching together yesterday but today she went and well add another colour (oh myyyyyy what could it beeee *drum rolls*) but she'll blog it later so I shall not spoil the surprise :D I know the pictures you can't see my bleached dip dye so here's a clearer version.

Someone says I look like the asian blonde version of Skrillex. HEH.

What a sweet picture. TATA!

A Good Life

I went hiking with my closest friends, Wei Lyn. We drove all the way to Broga Hill, all excited and exhilarated. Of course, we forgot all about the hike but we endured it and managed to make our way to the top. The journey was hard to be honest. A lot of things were going through my mind and it made it so much harder for me to continue. But after sitting down and just talking to my dearest friend.. I felt lighter. It was an arduous journey but it was worth it.

I was trying so hard to find my muse, to find my love and inspiration. But I guess it was already in me all this while. I haven't entirely lost it. It was buried under all my worries, my broken spirit. Listening to the Good life by One Republic. It's such a subtle song with a hint of hope. Looking at these breathtaking pictures reminds me a lot of my reason why I started loving photography. I wanted to give my pictures life. And perhaps when I was hiking, I did? Perhaps.

There's more really but there's so much to share. For the first time in my life, I feel relieved and happy to look at my photographs. My muse is growing but definitely, I will be alright. 

               

Whatever happens tomorrow, we will always have today.

Review on Fifty Shades of Grey

Hello again. Hah. Well, I took the time to read a book in a day and half. I think we all know what it is and yes, it's the hype book of the year- the book everyone talks about- Fifty Shades of Grey.

Summary of the book:

When literature student, Anastasia Steele interviews successful entrepreneur Christian Grey, she finds him very attractive and deeply intimidating. Convinced that their meeting went badly, she tries to put him out of her mind- until he turns up at the store where she works part-time, and invites her out.

Unworldly and innocent, Ana is shocked to find she wants this man. And, when he warns her to keep her distance, it only makes her want him more. But Grey is tormented by inner demons, and consumed by the need to control. As they embark on a passionate love affair. Ana discovers more about her own desires, as well as the dark secrets Grey keeps hidden away from public view.

My thoughts on it?

Haha, where should I even start? Well I was warned by many of my friends about this book to be honest. I do admit it's very sexy and erotic at the same time (not enough to actually arouse me, oh my) I think the plot sort of eases the erotic-ness a little. Some say it's the erotic version of Twilight which I kindda agree in that sense though Christian Grey beats the shit out of Edward Cullen hands down. I have a problem when it comes to female characters and Ana is seriously one fucked up virgin. I mean, I really didn't like her role in this book. At times, I find myself feeling the urge to slap her rather than indulging in the steamy scenes as far as it goes. In this case, I would say the author portrayed her inexperience nature quite well. I might have to say I am just bias about this but I am guessing that's just how the author described her. I can't give away too much for those who haven't read it yet. 

The plot seems a little enigmatic to be honest. The ending was rather quite abrupt and fucked but I like that. I mean it just pulls in the reader into wanting to know more about the next part of the book. That, I give a thumbs up. Christian Grey is definitely a dark, erotic and enigmatic character of a man. Control freak of a nature I say. Again, I won't say too much but this is all I can give.

Overall to rate the book? Hmm. I give it a 6.5 to 7 out of 10? 

Maybe I am just not accustomed to read such mature and erotic books yet but so far, this seems quite promising so far. Again, I say. This book definitely is Twilight Porn.

A little bit of where I stay

Well, hello again. This feels weird but I guess looking at these pictures, it makes me wanna talk a little bit about where I stay in London. As some of you know, I am currently studying in London. London to be honest, to describe it at least: it's a beautiful place. I've been living in London for almost about half a year now and it's been an experience. I live in a place call, Canary Wharf. It's a simple place, flourishing with banks and ships since it's near the docks. During autumn and winter, it gets colder which is quite shit. But the upside of it? You get quite a rewarding and remarkable view.

I finally have the heart to edit these pictures. It took me a while but it's a step in it? I just feel like looking at them, enlightens me a little. What a beautiful feeling. If only I could just look at you all day. 

My strength will guide me through. In the darkest times, there will always be light. I pray that one day, I will be able to find my confidence and strength. And to believe in myself no matter what.

Why my passion for photography, died.

Hello. I thought this was an interesting picture to share with. This was taken a year ago when my passion for photography was still burning. To be honest, my passion died recently. Something inside me died and I'll be frank with you, it hurts. I don't tell a lot of people this because it was my problem and something I thought I could live with and handle on my own. 

But I couldn't. And I'm here to tell you why.

I never told anyone what happened on the day I went for my (BA) Photography Portfolio interview but this is how it went. I was rejected for the course on various grounds and basis. I'm sure a lot of you are gasping or thinking, what the hell is she talking about. But yes, I was rejected for that course. And from there on, I never really mentioned the reason behind it. I have come so far and written well a good two paragraphs so I promise myself I am not going to back down on my words with a friend, you know who you are.

She told me my work was superficial. Though there's effort in it, it didn't seem like a driving passion. It doesn't have me in it. She couldn't see me in those pictures. She didn't feel anything while looking at the work and I am lacking of concepts, experience and most importantly, I lack the knowledge of realising what photography really is about. She said, I am hardworking but I lack of all these things. That was the very first time, someone has ever said that to me and it honestly hurt me. I knew I wasn't good enough but let alone, I felt very inferior. For the first time in my life, I felt stupid. I knew I wasn't good in terms of technicality but having hear something like this was quite a start. I thought I knew better than wasting around and feeling shit so I took the advice she gave me at the end of the session and explore more. Experiment and discover myself slowly. In hoping, I will be able to find myself again in photography.

Never realising, I slowly started to sink into deep waters.

 I found myself finding it so difficult to find a good picture. I found myself, not being satisfied at anything. I discovered so many flaws in my work and it made me become very tight and tense. And everytime, I edit a picture, all I could see was just a picture with no passion, no love, no nothing. It didn't come alive like how I want it too. It died. 

My passion died. 

I thought I was stressed over my design work but as time passes by, I realised I was slowly drifting away from my pictures. 

That realisation when you see absolutely nothing in your pictures, it burdened me even more. Above all that, I was going through some rough patches with money, family, myself and it became all too overwhelming for me. I started to drift away from my camera and only used it for college work purposes. I started to escape for the photography world while others rise up and share their beautiful pictures. I started to sink so low that everytime I look at my camera, guilt just fills me up so bad. 

I felt there was no justice done to my camera. I didn't think the words would hurt me so bad but I admit, I cannot take rejection. And that is something I am trying so hard to work on. I was never a person to take a no for an answer but this, was pure rejection. It didn't hit me until today that the reason behind my lack of motivation towards photography was because of that very incident. I thought I took it with a good heart but little did I know, I was drowning in my very own tears. I have been thinking about this all my life and I realised, it's not just photography that died. 

Even writing. Like I said, I am a passionate writer. I love to write but an author shot me down for having the same sort of storyline with her and it didn't help even more that she insulted me at my other blog for being I quote from her, a sorry ass. And that her work was better than mine. 

It's these things that triggered me so bad that I completely left that passion. 

Upon to realise this now, I am doing the same for photography. It's sad that, I can't even lift my camera anymore without being excited. The other day, I was even dreading to bring my camera out. 

That completely astounded me. And I'm sure you all feel the same when you read this. 

I honestly do not look like I have problems but that is because you don't know me. If you do, you will know I am a very deep person. I put on a smile everytime just to hide my emotions and feelings. It's something I'm very good at and perhaps, will always be good at. Always the same person who is stubborn and gives nothing for herself. 

Another thing about me is that I am a people pleaser and fucking insecure. I tend to try to meet the expectations of people and very insecure when it comes to my photographs. I am always afraid of what people say about my work and therefore, if you all notice why I don't like showing my camera to anyone until I edit them, this is why. Your mystery, enigmatic mystery has been solved. 

I am insecure all the time.

I am insecure with my body, my weight, my face, my photography and basically everything. I am so sad to say it has built up to this and even writing this, I know I am going to get a thousand of bashes or nasty comments. I am even afraid of writing this post.

I know that I am failing in life at this point. I am at my lowest and it feels really depressing. But I cannot do this alone anymore. I have so much doubts building inside me that I could feel my heart failing so badly. And it's affecting my photography work and my passion. 

I just don't want to sound self centered and upset but at times, I do need to let it out. And I guess, I really do not care anymore. I say this from the bottom of my heart that I am fairly fortunate with what I have and that I don't see it. My past has clouded my judgements and it made me a totally different person. It's just so sad to see my photographs having no spines, no love, no passion, no nothing. And wallowing in self pity isn't going to cut it. 

I have decided to stop for a bit and rekindle my love in a different way. I think it's high time I take a 360 turn and change. It's really been too long and it has sunk so low. I have to learn to accept rejection and accept myself for who I really am. It's strange how everytime I see my old photographs, I feel so much love and passion in it where as now, all I see is just superficial goodness and I quote from the head of the photography course: a picture that anyone can take. 

I am truly sorry if I felt like I have let you guys down but I know deep down, my passion is still there. I just need to light it back up and let it burn on. It's difficult for me to even be writing about this because I just can't accept the fact that something so special in me died along with my passion and character. It's hard for me as well to be blogging about this let alone, telling everyone about it. I could never ever come to terms with this because I refuse to think it was my passion that died but I could not even look at my pictures and edit them without feeling so guilty, without feeling so disgusted at how soulless they look. That was how I felt everytime I look at my pictures at the present. 

Even as a person, I have become so much less pro active. So much less. I have lost my muchness. Such a sad thing to say. As a person, I used to be experimental and daring. But now, I can't even lift my camera without dreading. I honestly did no justice to my camera. I put so much love into caring it and upgrading it but the results are so shit everytime I see it. This isn't the Serena I know. And definitely not the one you guys know as well. 

I do want to thank one person who well, you know who you are. She sat through with me today and listened to my problems. She definitely has made me see my capabilities and rekindled my spirit. If it wasn't for her, I would probably not write this. It isn't easy for someone who has kept so much inside, to pour out emotions but it definitely made me feel better. I do honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's been a rough couple of waves for the past weeks emotionally but I am definitely grateful for having wonderful friends and a wonderful family who made me the person I am today. 

It is time for me to change and put this problem at rest. I will no longer pursue this matter anymore no matter how painful it is. I will definitely never forget this but I have finally come to terms with my problems. I feel horrible for saying this but I might stay low for the time being. I will need time to rekindle this passion again. I need some time to figure out and slowly self discover my passion in the same way I did when I first discovered my love, my fire for photography.

My final picture to end the post. I took this while I was hiking a mountain at Boscastle (sp) How I love the composition, the colour, the sharpness of the droplet and the relation all together.

Oh when can I find you again?

I have definitely matured in terms of my photography skills but at the present, it has no substance, no nothing. But everytime I look at this picture, I feel so much love all over again. I feel like that little droplet yeah? Just all alone, at edge, about to fall but there's this leaf that's preventing me from doing so. I realise my greatest strength is that I have wonderful people who stood by me all the way. I never seen them there because I was too blinded with emotions and silly depression phases that this big leaf all the while, has been supporting me and never let me slip. 

I thank you guys who truly support my work but I think it is time, I put myself at ease and discover my true love once more.

this is well, for you guys. thank you for being part of my life. thank you to all my models, to all the lovely places i've been..thank you for making my life so special. and i hope in return, you will not give up on your dreams. never let anyone bring you down. take them and learn from them and be yourself most importantly. i have learnt so much today and realise how foolish i am to stop myself from chasing my dreams just because of such matters.  

just so you know, i haven't given up. i am fighting this demon inside and it's definitely a hard cold war. but i know i will succeed in the end. 

till we meet again.