Hello. I thought this was an interesting picture to share with. This was taken a year ago when my passion for photography was still burning. To be honest, my passion died recently. Something inside me died and I'll be frank with you, it hurts. I don't tell a lot of people this because it was my problem and something I thought I could live with and handle on my own.
But I couldn't. And I'm here to tell you why.
I never told anyone what happened on the day I went for my (BA) Photography Portfolio interview but this is how it went. I was rejected for the course on various grounds and basis. I'm sure a lot of you are gasping or thinking, what the hell is she talking about. But yes, I was rejected for that course. And from there on, I never really mentioned the reason behind it. I have come so far and written well a good two paragraphs so I promise myself I am not going to back down on my words with a friend, you know who you are.
She told me my work was superficial. Though there's effort in it, it didn't seem like a driving passion. It doesn't have me in it. She couldn't see me in those pictures. She didn't feel anything while looking at the work and I am lacking of concepts, experience and most importantly, I lack the knowledge of realising what photography really is about. She said, I am hardworking but I lack of all these things. That was the very first time, someone has ever said that to me and it honestly hurt me. I knew I wasn't good enough but let alone, I felt very inferior. For the first time in my life, I felt stupid. I knew I wasn't good in terms of technicality but having hear something like this was quite a start. I thought I knew better than wasting around and feeling shit so I took the advice she gave me at the end of the session and explore more. Experiment and discover myself slowly. In hoping, I will be able to find myself again in photography.
Never realising, I slowly started to sink into deep waters.
I found myself finding it so difficult to find a good picture. I found myself, not being satisfied at anything. I discovered so many flaws in my work and it made me become very tight and tense. And everytime, I edit a picture, all I could see was just a picture with no passion, no love, no nothing. It didn't come alive like how I want it too. It died.
My passion died.
I thought I was stressed over my design work but as time passes by, I realised I was slowly drifting away from my pictures.
That realisation when you see absolutely nothing in your pictures, it burdened me even more. Above all that, I was going through some rough patches with money, family, myself and it became all too overwhelming for me. I started to drift away from my camera and only used it for college work purposes. I started to escape for the photography world while others rise up and share their beautiful pictures. I started to sink so low that everytime I look at my camera, guilt just fills me up so bad.
I felt there was no justice done to my camera. I didn't think the words would hurt me so bad but I admit, I cannot take rejection. And that is something I am trying so hard to work on. I was never a person to take a no for an answer but this, was pure rejection. It didn't hit me until today that the reason behind my lack of motivation towards photography was because of that very incident. I thought I took it with a good heart but little did I know, I was drowning in my very own tears. I have been thinking about this all my life and I realised, it's not just photography that died.
Even writing. Like I said, I am a passionate writer. I love to write but an author shot me down for having the same sort of storyline with her and it didn't help even more that she insulted me at my other blog for being I quote from her, a sorry ass. And that her work was better than mine.
It's these things that triggered me so bad that I completely left that passion.
Upon to realise this now, I am doing the same for photography. It's sad that, I can't even lift my camera anymore without being excited. The other day, I was even dreading to bring my camera out.
That completely astounded me. And I'm sure you all feel the same when you read this.
I honestly do not look like I have problems but that is because you don't know me. If you do, you will know I am a very deep person. I put on a smile everytime just to hide my emotions and feelings. It's something I'm very good at and perhaps, will always be good at. Always the same person who is stubborn and gives nothing for herself.
Another thing about me is that I am a people pleaser and fucking insecure. I tend to try to meet the expectations of people and very insecure when it comes to my photographs. I am always afraid of what people say about my work and therefore, if you all notice why I don't like showing my camera to anyone until I edit them, this is why. Your mystery, enigmatic mystery has been solved.
I am insecure all the time.
I am insecure with my body, my weight, my face, my photography and basically everything. I am so sad to say it has built up to this and even writing this, I know I am going to get a thousand of bashes or nasty comments. I am even afraid of writing this post.
I know that I am failing in life at this point. I am at my lowest and it feels really depressing. But I cannot do this alone anymore. I have so much doubts building inside me that I could feel my heart failing so badly. And it's affecting my photography work and my passion.
I just don't want to sound self centered and upset but at times, I do need to let it out. And I guess, I really do not care anymore. I say this from the bottom of my heart that I am fairly fortunate with what I have and that I don't see it. My past has clouded my judgements and it made me a totally different person. It's just so sad to see my photographs having no spines, no love, no passion, no nothing. And wallowing in self pity isn't going to cut it.
I have decided to stop for a bit and rekindle my love in a different way. I think it's high time I take a 360 turn and change. It's really been too long and it has sunk so low. I have to learn to accept rejection and accept myself for who I really am. It's strange how everytime I see my old photographs, I feel so much love and passion in it where as now, all I see is just superficial goodness and I quote from the head of the photography course: a picture that anyone can take.
I am truly sorry if I felt like I have let you guys down but I know deep down, my passion is still there. I just need to light it back up and let it burn on. It's difficult for me to even be writing about this because I just can't accept the fact that something so special in me died along with my passion and character. It's hard for me as well to be blogging about this let alone, telling everyone about it. I could never ever come to terms with this because I refuse to think it was my passion that died but I could not even look at my pictures and edit them without feeling so guilty, without feeling so disgusted at how soulless they look. That was how I felt everytime I look at my pictures at the present.
Even as a person, I have become so much less pro active. So much less. I have lost my muchness. Such a sad thing to say. As a person, I used to be experimental and daring. But now, I can't even lift my camera without dreading. I honestly did no justice to my camera. I put so much love into caring it and upgrading it but the results are so shit everytime I see it. This isn't the Serena I know. And definitely not the one you guys know as well.
I do want to thank one person who well, you know who you are. She sat through with me today and listened to my problems. She definitely has made me see my capabilities and rekindled my spirit. If it wasn't for her, I would probably not write this. It isn't easy for someone who has kept so much inside, to pour out emotions but it definitely made me feel better. I do honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's been a rough couple of waves for the past weeks emotionally but I am definitely grateful for having wonderful friends and a wonderful family who made me the person I am today.
It is time for me to change and put this problem at rest. I will no longer pursue this matter anymore no matter how painful it is. I will definitely never forget this but I have finally come to terms with my problems. I feel horrible for saying this but I might stay low for the time being. I will need time to rekindle this passion again. I need some time to figure out and slowly self discover my passion in the same way I did when I first discovered my love, my fire for photography.
My final picture to end the post. I took this while I was hiking a mountain at Boscastle (sp) How I love the composition, the colour, the sharpness of the droplet and the relation all together.
Oh when can I find you again?
I have definitely matured in terms of my photography skills but at the present, it has no substance, no nothing. But everytime I look at this picture, I feel so much love all over again. I feel like that little droplet yeah? Just all alone, at edge, about to fall but there's this leaf that's preventing me from doing so. I realise my greatest strength is that I have wonderful people who stood by me all the way. I never seen them there because I was too blinded with emotions and silly depression phases that this big leaf all the while, has been supporting me and never let me slip.
I thank you guys who truly support my work but I think it is time, I put myself at ease and discover my true love once more.
this is well, for you guys. thank you for being part of my life. thank you to all my models, to all the lovely places i've been..thank you for making my life so special. and i hope in return, you will not give up on your dreams. never let anyone bring you down. take them and learn from them and be yourself most importantly. i have learnt so much today and realise how foolish i am to stop myself from chasing my dreams just because of such matters.
just so you know, i haven't given up. i am fighting this demon inside and it's definitely a hard cold war. but i know i will succeed in the end.
till we meet again.
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