Sorry about the inconsistency. I've been thinking about ways to blog my stuffs but however I haven't been feeling it lately but now I have something to share with you guys. It's a little more personal and I really do wanna share this amazing thing I recently discovered. I'll prolly tell you guys more in detail about this in another post but take a look at this beauty here:
This beautiful bloom was actually once a small round tight ball of no interest, no significance; nada. It really did look like a chunk of seaweed that appeared to be really unappealing. But the moment this ball touches the water, it fizzled, formed and eventually bloom into this magnificent life force you see right now. While this thing bloomed, it took a little while to flower but my friend told me to be patient cause these things take time. And it hit me. At that very moment, I was experiencing the same problem with myself the past few days. I was unable to see my capabilities for it was overshadowed by the doubts and I lack in confidence. But this. This beautiful thing, evolved from being nothing to something so much more than how it looked and it served its purpose well.
We never know our capabilities until we are put to the test. We never know how special we are or how much we could offer until we are put in a situation that allows us to bloom just like this little beauty. We are not always perfect and like the little life force, we take time to realise it and to flourish our potential to the maximum. When we at our maximum, we finally see the wings. We finally see the flower, the beauty of our capabilities, our soul, our heart and we are able to embrace that side of us.
This little thing inspired me. It's just a natural jasmine tea bag from China but what's so special about it? Look at it. I would love to share with you the transformation of this beauty but that will have to wait till I get proper and beautiful shots of it. I am in love with it at the moment and just looking at it makes me happy. I fail to realise sometimes that I am capable of many things but I just can't seem to see it.
I guess you could say the same for butterflies :) A friend of mine shared this beautiful quote with me at the very midst of my sudden sullenness.
" Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well"
such a beautiful quote.
At the moment, I am still finding a part of myself. Self discovering little things along the way as I move on. Life is truly great. If only you were able to see me right now. I have never realised how much I had forgotten someone and until now. It's been almost a decade. And till now, I never knew why I never cried when you passed away. I wasn't very close to you and that was my fault for not being a dutiful person to make time with you. Now that, I think about it; I barely see you.
You came once in a while and made your favourite 'otak-otak' dish together and my sisters would be so delighted. You were a believer of Jesus while I followed my father's footsteps with Bhuddha. But it never tore us apart. It never stopped you from coming down all the way from Muar to see my mother, my family. And when you died, the one thing I regretted most was not being able to hold you during your last moments right here. But I was young, I didn't know how to respond to the word 'death'.
It's a painful word for me to repeat and at that moment, I just didn't know how to respond to such a heavy word. I still remember how you looked when I saw you in your cosy little bed; you were so cold. You were stone cold but yet so peaceful. You were wearing your favourite suit and your hair all gelled up like you used to do it. That saddened me so much but yet I didn't cry.
We went to the church that you used to go everyday, every Sunday for your prayers. It was my first time there and I just didn't know what to say or what to do. Kind of like a lost deer in a different forest. I still can't remember what happened to this day but I remember singing Amazing Grace with everybody. I couldn't express how much this song really had an effect on me ever since that day. Till this day, it has this soothing yet overwhelming effect all over me and I can't shake it off.
Up then, I still didn't cry. I had no idea how or why. I saw my mother, my father, my sisters, crying but I wasn't. Was I very heartless? Did I not know what death did to him? Yet at the cemetery, when we said our final prayers and buried him; I didn't shed a tear.
Strangely, after a decade or perhaps more than that now, I reflect and finally tears are finally slowly streaming down like a river. I have finally understood what death did to you. It took you away. It took your life away and I failed to see that back then. I thought you were coming back but after so long, I knew you were never coming back. I couldn't bring myself to face the truth that you were really gone and buried within the earth.
But thankfully death could not end the relationship between us. It didn't take away that. It took away your body but it never took your soul. Because your soul remains within us. Within my family, my mother, me. You were never truly gone. You still remained in our memories, in our hearts. I am truly glad to this day to have held your hand and embraced you. I am still embracing your love up until today, for you will never fade; ever. For all I know, you are up there watching over me and my family.
My dearest grandfather, I love you.
Love lost is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn’t.”
Mitch Albom.
